Planning Ahead by John Kiley

Bert and Gert discuss what to do when the world ends.

Scene: Park Bench

Characters:

Bert

Gert

Bert            Looks like rain.

Gert            What does?

Bert            The weather.

Gert            (Grunts)

Bert            Looked like rain yesterday too but it didn’t.

Gert            (Puzzled) What do you mean, it looked like rain but it didn’t? Did it look like rain or didn’t it?

Bert            It did look like rain but it didn’t rain.

Gert            (Grunts)               

Bert            (Yawns)

Gert            That fountain over there.

Bert            What about it?

Gert            That looks like rain too.

Bert            Yes but it’s not.

Gert            No – it just looks like it.              

Bert            Remember how Noah built an ark and it rained for so long that the whole world was flooded.

Gert            Yes. (Ponders this) Do you think that could happen again?

Bert            It might.

Gert            Perhaps that’s how the world will end.              

Bert            Maybe.

Gert            What are all the people going to do after the world ends?                     

Bert            There’s new stuff forming in space all the time. Another world will come along.

Gert            So we’ll all have to wait for another world?

Bert            (Thinking hard) I suppose so.

Gert            But what will we stand on while we wait?                    

Bert            Don’t know.

Gert            It would be nice if the world didn’t end.

Bert            Very nice.

(Long thoughtful silence)

Gert            I know where we could wait. In heaven.                       

Bert            Maybe we could.

Gert            Do you think they would let us in?

Bert            We could try.

Gert            Otherwise it would have to be hell and that wouldn’t be so nice.

Bert            No, but it might not be for too long. We’ll have to wait somewhere.

Gert            How will we know when a new world has come?

Bert            If we look out the window every night we can watch for a new speck in the sky.

Gert            Speck?                 

Bert            Yes, the world is only a speck when you look from heaven.

Gert            How do you know? You’ve never been to heaven.

Bert            You don’t have to go. When you look up from the world you just see specks. They’re all worlds.

Gert            So there’s other worlds already floating around that we all think are stars?      

Bert            Yes.

Gert            And if one passes real close we can all hop on.

Bert            I guess so.

Gert            We’ll have to signal for it to stop.

Bert            Definitely.

Gert            But what if it’s already over-crowded?

Bert            I suppose some of us would have to wait for the next one – like waiting for the next bus.

Gert            What if you get on one world and I have to wait for another? We’d be separated.

Bert            I think we should promise each other we’ll stick together.

Gert            Yes – we should promise.

Bert            That’s settled then.

(Pause)

Gert            I’ve always wondered how the world got started in the first place. Some people say there was a big bang.

Bert            And all the worlds blew out into space. 

Gert            Yes, something like that. It must have been a long time ago. I don’t remember it.

Bert            Of course you don’t remember it. It happened millions of years ago.

Gert            How do you know?                    

Bert            I read it in the newspaper.

Gert            How did the newspaper know?

Bert            It was a very old newspaper.

Gert            I read something in the newspaper the other day – people are booking seats on spaceships to go to Mars.                

Bert            I read that too. Perhaps we should book and make that our next world.

Gert            Good idea! That could save us a long wait when this one ends.

Bert            And we’ll get there before it gets too crowded.

Gert            But what about air?                    

Bert            What do you mean?

Gert            There’s no air there.

Bert            There must be air. Why would they offer trips? We go on lots of trips. When we get there, there’s always air.

Gert            There’s no air on Mars. I read that in the paper.             

Bert            Perhaps we should choose another world – one with air.

Gert            Yes, I think we should.

Bert            Or we could still go to Mars but take our own air.

Gert            How much will we need?

Bert            Lots. We can work it out. How many breaths do you take each day?

Gert            I’ve never counted.

Bert            I haven’t either. We’ll just have to guess.

Gert            What will we carry it in?             

Bert            We can take several extra suitcases with nothing in them.

Gert            Except air.

Bert            But we mustn’t open them till we get there.

Gert            We mustn’t.

(They both sigh)                     

Bert            It’s good to plan ahead like this. So many people just waste their lives and don’t care about the future. But we’ve always been well organised. Remember how we bought that rabbit hutch?

Gert            And the bird cage. And the dog kennel.

Bert            And the aquarium.

Gert            Now we can buy a rabbit or a dog or a bird anytime we like.

Bert            Or a fish.

Gert            Yes. And one day we just might.

 (Both sit back looking satisfied)

(They get up and slowly walk away)

Bert            (looking up) Still looks like rain. 

Gert            (looking over her shoulder, and stumbling) Yes, but it’s not. It’s a fountain.

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