One-liners
If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague
I’d like to help you out. Which way did you come in?
For fast-acting relief try slowing down.
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If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question?
If the formula for water is H2O, is the formula for an ice cube H2O squared?
Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain.
(Lily Tomlin)
The public's consumption of news and opinion used to be like sucking on a straw; now it's like being sprayed by a fire hose. (Richard A Posner, New York Times)
Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!
My wife ran off with my best friend. I really miss him. (Kevin Lynch)
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“Give me a frank account, how is your bank account?
I’d be compassionate, if there was cash in it” (Lyric from Eartha Kitt song)
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I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo. (Phyllis Diller)
Life is something that happens when you can’t get to sleep. (Fran Lebowitz)
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A computer once beat me at chess. But it was no match for me at kick boxing. (Erno Philips)
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I went to a restaurant that serves “breakfast at any time”. So I ordered french toast during the Renaissance (Steven Wright)
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“He wore a big beard that made him look like he was eating his sweater. (Garrison Keillor)
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A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once. (Phyllis Diller)
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A pessimist
sees a dark tunnel
An optimist
sees the light at the end of the tunnel
A realist
sees a freight train
The train
driver sees three idiots standing on the track.
Worried
passenger: “How often do planes crash? Smiling air hostess: “Just once.”
County
to pay $250,000 to advertise lack of funds
Volunteers search for old Civil War planes
Meeting
on open meetings is closed
DOE to
do NEPA’s EIS on BNFL’s AMWTP at INEEL after SRA protest
Ten
Commandments: Supreme Court says some okay, some not.
Federal
agents raid gun shop, find weapons
Statistics show that teen pregnancy drops off significantly after age 25
One-armed man applauds the kindness of strangers