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A Robbery Has Been Reported
by John Kiley
A policeman tries to convince a householder that her house has been burgled. It hasn't.
Scene: Doorstep of suburban house; interior of house.
Characters:
Male Police Officer
Woman Answering Door
Woman:
(Answers door, sees officer and
looks alarmed) Yes?
Officer:
Good
afternoon.
Woman:
(Anxiously) What is it?
Officer:
What’s what?
Woman:
Why are you here?
Officer:
You mean you don’t know?
Woman:
I’ve got no idea. Is it bad news?
Officer:
(Refers to notebook and reads woodenly)
A robbery has been reported at this address. An offender was sighted but
there has been no reliable description as the witness appears to have been
mentally challenged so we have no (turns
page clumsily) suspects.
Woman:
(Looking relieved) You’ve got the
wrong address. There has been no robbery here. It’s a mistake.
Officer:
No mistake ma’am. Perhaps you were out when the robbery occurred. May I search
the house to see if anything is missing? And if I find any missing items I will
need to check them for fingerprints.
Woman
How can you check items for fingerprints if they’re missing?
Officer:
I’ll ask the questions ma’am. May I see inside the house?
Woman:
Do you have any ID?
Officer:
I left my badge at home. I have this photo taken on New Year’s Eve by my wife.
She was drunk at the time so it’s not very good.
Woman:
(Examining it) This doesn’t
prove you’re a policeman. And you’re dancing on a table with no trousers on.
Officer:
It was New Year’s Eve.
Woman:
I’m not letting you in the house.
Officer:
Why not? I’m wearing trousers now.
Woman:
I’m home alone and you’re a complete stranger.
Officer:
Please don’t call me strange. But I suppose you’re right - I could be
anybody. A politician or a rapist, a burglar - even a Jehovah Witless. I’ll
conduct my enquiries here on the doorstep. Do you mind answering a few
questions?
Woman
Go ahead if it won’t take too long.
Officer:
(Reading from tattered manual)
In the past 48 hours have you left the house for any household errand,
work-related engagement, medical appointment, vacation, or compulsory evacuation
for fire, flood or armed offenders alert?
Woman:
I went shopping yesterday.
Officer:
(Still reading from the manual)
On your return were there any signs of forced entry to the property including
sheds, sleep-outs, caravans, conveyances such as cars, campervans or
house-trucks or outside toilets?
Woman:
No.
Officer:
Mmmmmmmm. Could be an inside job. Who else holds a key to this property
besides yourself?
Woman:
Only my husband. Look, you’re wasting your time. There has been no robbery at
this address. Nothing has been disturbed inside the house. I would have noticed.
Officer:
You said your husband has a key. Does he have a criminal record?
Woman:
Don’t be ridiculous.
(Officer bursts into tears)
Officer:
(Still sobbing) That’s the
seventh time today I’ve been called ridiculous; eight if you count the way my
dog looked at me when I poured milk over his biscuits by mistake instead of my
crunchie nuts. I try hard to be a good policeman. I always follow the book (waves
it about) and one day I’m going to catch a criminal, I’m sure of it. I
haven’t caught one yet but I will. I thought today was going to be the day
but.... (sobs again)
Woman:
(Sympathetically) Would you
like to come in for a cup of tea?
Officer:
Yes please.
(Scene change to interior of lounge. Both
are seated and tea has been served)
Woman:
(Holding out teaspoon) Sugar?
Officer:
(Looking at it closely) Yes, I
do believe it is.
Woman:
I mean, do you take it in your tea?
Officer:
Oh, I see. Ummm. No thank you.
Woman:
(Pause for tea to be sipped)
Can you tell me why you thought this house had been burgled?
Officer:
We had a 111 call from a neighbour who saw somebody on the property
carrying a bag. She thinks it was a teenage boy but she sounded retarded so she
could be mistaken.
Woman:
That would be Doreen, bless her heart. She's not retarded - just talks
very slowly. She’s a honey.
Officer:
She’s a nutcase. Anyway I got really excited when I was assigned to the
case. I was meant to have a mate with me but he had an appointment
with his chiropodist. (smiles) The beat's neat but it's hard
on the feet. Ha ha. (shows signs of brightening up) It’s real fun being a policeman. You
should try it.
Woman:
I think I’m a bit old. But if somebody was seen on this property – that’s a bit
of a worry.
Officer:
(Regaining confidence) There’s
nothing to worry about. We’re here to protect you. But I haven’t finished my
questions. (refers to book) Do you
have any enemies or persons likely to hold a grudge against you, your husband or
any family member or relative however distant?
Woman:
Not that I know of.
Officer:
Pity. That would have been helpful. Have you ever had threats to your
person, property or any family member over the telephone or in the mail or by
way of any electronic medium?
Woman:
Never.
Officer:
Shit. (fumbles through book) Have you ever advertised valuable items for
sale on Trade Me, Facebook or any other trading or social networking sites?
Woman:
No.
Officer:
(Starting to sob) How long
since you were last burglerd?
Woman:
We’ve never been burgled.
Officer:
(Tears multiply) Has anyone else in the street been either bobbed or rurgled in the
past forty-eight...
Woman:
Okay, that’s enough. You’ve done your job really well and conducted a very
thorough investigation. There’s clearly been no robbery so I’m going to have to
ask you to leave.
Officer
(Sniffs and gets up)
(Scene changes back to doorstep)
Woman:
(Looking down at the ground beside
the steps) They’ve gone!!
Officer:
Who’s gone?
Woman:
The onions!!
Officer:
(Looking around excitedly)
Where? I might find fingerprints.
Woman:
This explains everything. There was a bag of onions right here and
they’ve gone. My teenage grandson will have taken them.
Officer:
(Scribbling excitedly in notebook).
I’ll have him charged immediately. What’s his name?
Woman:
It's okay. I was giving them to his mother. I put them out here for him to
collect.
Officer:
(Continuing to scribble) I still need to follow this up. Does he
have a criminal record?
Woman: Don't be ridiculous.
Officer: (Bursts into tears again)
Woman:
I'm sorry.
Another cup of tea?
Officer:
Yes please.