Tommy Thompson Thomas (professional idiot) is a bank robbery’s sole witness and struggles to give his evidence in court.

Scene: Interior of courtroom.

Characters:

Witness

Prosecuting Counsel

Judge

Accused Man in Dock (non-speaking)

Counsel           Please state your name.

Witness            Tommy Thompson Thomas.

Counsel           Is Tommy short for Thomas?

Witness            No.

Counsel           So Tommy is your actual first name?

Witness            No.

Counsel           What is your actual first name?

Witness            Thomson

Counsel           The same as your second name?

Witness            No – they’re different. One of them has a p. (Giggles)

Counsel           You mean one of the two Thomsons is spelt with a “p”?

Witness            Yes.

Counsel           Which one?

Witness            I don’t know.

(Counsel scribbles notes)

Counsel           What is your occupation?

Witness            I’m a professional idiot.

Counsel           Meaning?

Witness            I make money out of being an idiot.

Counsel           You make people laugh and they pay you money?

Witness            No .

Counsel           What then?

Witness            I behave like an idiot and people pay me to go away.

(Counsel looks at his notes)

Counsel           We’re here to try a case of aggravated bank robbery. The man in the dock is the accused. Have you seen him before?

Witness            No.

Counsel           (After a pause) The bank officer he stole the cash from was traumatised by the incident and cannot recall any details. You were the only other person in the bank to witness the event. The case rests on your testimony. Do you understand that?

Witness            No.

Counsel           You saw the robbery and nobody else did. Please just carefully answer my questions?

Witness            What questions?

Counsel           When you were in the bank last August did you see anything unusual?

Witness            No.

Counsel           But (pause) the police interview records show that you saw a man acting threateningly, wearing a balaclava and carrying a sawn-off shotgun. Is that not unusual?

Witness            Not for a bank robber.

Counsel           Tell me what you saw the man do.

Witness            He stood at the counter for a long time and I was next in line so I got impatient and looked over his shoulder to see what the hold-up was. And I saw the hold-up was a hold-up.

Counsel           Did you see how much money he stole?

Witness            I didn’t see him steal any.

Counsel           But you told the police there were several bundles of $20 notes on the counter and the next moment they weren’t there.

Witness            Did I say that?

Counsel           Yes. So how many bundles were stolen?

Witness            I didn’t see any stolen money. Once it was stolen it was gorn. Gorn, When things get stolen, they’re GORN!!

Counsel           But how much money was on the counter?

Witness            (Getting frustrated) I didn’t count the money on the counter cos it wasn’t stolen. After that I couldn’t count it cos it was GORN!

(Judge intervenes)

Judge               Mr Thomas, you must understand how important this is. Without your evidence this man can’t be convicted. A serious crime has been committed and he is the prime suspect. We need you to swear under oath that you saw him take a large amount of money from the counter and leave the bank with it in a bag. Did you actually see him take the money from the counter and put it in a bag?

Witness            No.

Judge               Did you see the bank officer put the money back in the drawer?

Witness            No.

Judge               Did you see the man leave?

Witness            Yes

Judge               Was he carrying a bag?

Witness            Yes.

Judge               What did you do after he left?

Witness            I followed him out the door.

Judge               What did you see then? How did the man get away?

(No answer).

Judge               Did he get away on foot?

Witness            No

Judge               In a car?

Witness            No.

Judge               On a bus?

Witness            No.

Judge               On a bike?

Witness            Motor bike ? Or pedalling bike?

Judge               Either.

Witness            No.

Judge               Then how did he get away?

Witness            He didn’t get away.

(Short silence).

Judge               You mean you apprehended him?

Witness            I don’t apprehend anything. I’m an idiot.

Judge               What happened between you?

Witness            There was nobody between us.

Judge               Did you talk to him?

Witness            He talked to me first.

Judge               What did he say?

Witness            He said I could have half the money if I kept my mouth shut.

Judge               What did you say?

Witness            I said I wanted three-quarters.

Judge               What did he say?

Witness            Nothing. He ran away.

(Another short silence)

Judge               We suspect the man in the dock is the man you talked to. Look very closely and consider whether he is the same height, same build.

Witness            Same height, same build, different disguise.

Judge               So it could be the same man?

Witness            No.

Judge               No? It must surely be at least a possibility. You didn’t see his face in the bank.

Witness            I saw his face outside the bank. He took off his balaclava when he was offering me the money. I couldn’t hear him while he was wearing it.

Judge               So all along you’ve known the man here in court is not the man you saw in the bank and talked to outside the bank with his disguise removed?

Witness            (starting to giggle) Yes.

Judge               Why did you not tell the court this earlier?

Witness            Because I’m an idiot. (Explodes into laughter)

Judge               (wearily) Case dismissed

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