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I'm Not a Farmer
by John Kiley
A television interviewer thinks he's interviewing a farmer and takes a while to realise he's not.
Scene: Television Studio
Characters:
Interviewer
Rocky
Interviewer:
(Addressing camera) New Zealand
is internationally famous for its agricultural products, be they dairy, cattle,
beef, wool. lamb, mutton, deer, venison, grapes, apples, kiwifruit, timber,
logs, fish, aluminium, mutton, shellfish, apples (did I say apples?), onions,
cherries, flowers, bees, honey, oysters, salmon, cheese, butter, skim milk,
casein ... I could go on. The one common factor in every sector mentioned above
and the many not mentioned due to lack of time, is the humble farmer. So to
bring our multi-million dollar industry down to a personal level I have with me
a typical New Zealand farmer. I’d like to welcome to the programme Mr Roccoccoco
Rockford – known throughout the farming community as Rocky. Rocky, good evening.
Rocky:
Good evening.
Interviewer:
It’s great for our audience to see the human face of our most lucrative
industry. Can you start by telling us how long you’ve been farming?
Rocky:
I’m not a farmer.
Interviewer:
I’m sorry?
Rocky:
I’m not a farmer.
Interviewer:
(Hesitation) You mean, you’ve
recently moved out of farming.
Rocky
I’ve never been a farmer.
Interviewer:
(Puzzled pause) So you must be
in a related business, like a stock agent, or a vet, or a shearer, or a dairy
factory worker, or a tanker driver, or an auctioneer, or a.....
Rocky:
I’m a fireman.
Interviewer:
A fireman. (Further pause for thought) Ah – so you put out fires on farms.
Rocky:
I help put fires out everywhere.
Interviewer
That’s a lot of farms.
Rocky:
Can you please get farms out of your head. I am not a farmer, I have
never been a farmer, I live in the city and my fire-fighting duties take place
almost exclusively within the city.
Interviewer:
Is there a farm attached to the fire station?
Rocky:
There is no farm in my life!!!
Interviewer:
Do you own any animals?
Rocky:
My wife and I have two cats.
Interviewer:
Aha. Now we’re getting somewhere. You farm cats.
Rocky:
(Frustrated) If it’s going to
make you feel any better - yes. We farm cats. All two of them. We maintain them,
we feed them.....
Interviewer:
Do you shear them?
Rocky:
They are pets!
Interviewer:
I had a friend who used to shear his pet sheep, dust it, vacuum it, wash
it, shampoo and dry it and then coat it with after-shave. It smelt great. But it
caught a chill and died. (Thoughtful
pause) I’ve never met a fireman who farmed cats. It’s good when you think
about it. You’ll know exactly what to do if they catch fire. It makes sense.
Rocky:
It’s time this interview started making sense. I thought you were going
to ask me about my work as a fireman.
Interviewer:
(Thinks hard) Can you tell me a
little about your work as a fireman?
Rocky:
It’s extremely interesting and challenging. There’s a certain amount of
routine maintenance and many jobs are quite minor but the big jobs are the real
challenge and make it all worthwhile. In a recent house fire we had to ......
Interviewer:
(Interrupting)
What happens if a fireman catches fire?
Rocky:
(Thrown a little off-balance by the interruption)
That’s extremely unlikely. Fire-fighters are well protected.
Interviewer:
Life insurance, you mean?
Rocky:
(Wearily) They wear fire-proof
protective clothing.
Interviewer:
What a splendid idea. The whole community should do that. After all,
everybody is vulnerable to some extent, especially if their house is on fire.
Rocky:
It’s our task to protect them in the event of a fire. We have strict
priorities. We protect human life first. Then we deal with property.
Interviewer:
And animals last?
Rocky:
Not at all – all life come before property.
Interviewer:
(After careful thought) But that
doesn’t quite make sense from a financial perspective. A house costs more than a
cat.
Rocky:
There’s more than monetary value to a cat, or any other animal – let
alone a human life.
Interviewer:
(More thought) So to recap, you
extinguish the people first, then the cat and any other pets except the
fireproof ones like goldfish, and finally the house?
Rocky:
Removing people and animals from a burning structure is our top priority.
When that’s done we attend to the fire itself. But remember there is a whole
team of fire-fighters on location at a serious fire such as a residential house.
A rescue team searches the property while others attack the flames.
Interviewer:
So in actual fact, the people, animals and the fire are all being dealt
with at the same time – not in sequence as you just told me a moment ago?
Rocky:
In a major event that’s true.
Interviewer:
Meaning what you said about extinguishing people first, animals second
and houses last was actually not true?
Rocky:
It’s absolutely true. That’s our strict order of priority.
Interviewer:
I’m totally confused here. Let’s take an example. You’re searching a
burning house and find a cat. Do you abandon it and continue searching for
people hoping it understands your priorities?
Rocky:
Not at all. If we find any living creature we would rescue it there and then.
Remember every room in an average house can be checked in less than 60 seconds.
Interviewer:
Not if you keep finding animals. Are you sure you’re not a farmer?
Rocky:
I’m not a farmer. It’s rare to find any living creature in a burning
house. In nearly all cases any occupants will have evacuated before we arrive
and removed all pets. Our task is then to extinguish the blaze and prevent it
from spreading.
Interviewer:
But if the occupants have evaporated all the high priority work is done
before you get there.
Rocky:
Evacuated.
Interviewer
What?
Rocky:
They probably will have evacuated
before we get there. You said evaporated.
Interviewer:
No I didn’t. I said the people on fire will have done all your high priority
work leaving you the easy bit.
Rocky:
Checking for trapped people and containing and extinguishing a large fire
is pretty high priority and anything but easy. A colleague once had to remove
three people overcome by smoke as well as two dogs.
Interviewer:
Three people and two dogs. That’s quite an armful. Did they all die?
Rocky:
None of them did. He received a bravery award.
Interviewer:
How peculiar. People don’t usually receive awards for doing their regular
job. I never have. (Smiles) Well, thank you Rocky. You’ve given us quite an insight. I
admire your integrity. You should definitely have been a farmer.
Rocky:
No way! I wouldn’t want to be anything else.
Interviewer:
(Puzzled) But you are something else.
You’re a fireman.
Rocky:
Good night.