All Tastes Catered For
by John Kiley
A customer visits an eccentric menswear shop and discovers a secret
Scene: Interior of Menswear Shop.
Characters:
Shop Assistant
Customer
Second Customer
Assistant:
How can I help sir?
Customer:
I’m looking for a new pair of sports trousers.
Assistant:
What flavour?
Customer:
What do you mean?
Assistant:
Chocolate brown, vanilla white, blueberry with a tinge of azure.......
Customer:
You mean what colour?
Assistant:
Flavour, colour, it’s all a matter of taste isn’t it. Follow me and I’ll show
you our range.
(Leads customer to a rack)
Assistant:
All tastes catered for here. And there’s more over here. And more still over
here. And here.
(He gallops from rack to rack; customer chases behind)
Customer:
If you don’t mind, I’ll just browse quietly on my own. Then you can attend to
other customers.
Assistant:
There are no other customers.
Customer:
Even so, I prefer to look around on my own.
(Customer browses the racks with the assistant peering over his shoulder. He
selects a light grey pair and
holds them against his waist.)
Assistant:
Don’t buy those!
Customer:
Why not?
Assistant:
I hate that colour.
Customer:
Well I rather like them. And they tone in well with the shirt I’m wearing.
Assistant:
I hate that too.
Customer:
I’m sorry our tastes differ but I’d like to try these on.
Assistant:
You can’t.
Customer:
Why not?
Assistant:
The
fitting room is engaged.
Customer:
You said there were no other customers.
Assistant:
It’s being cleaned.
Customer:
I don’t mind waiting.
(They stand around awkwardly)
Assistant:
Nice flavour of weather we’re having isn’t it?
Customer:
It’s raining.
(Another awkward pause)
Assistant:
I’ll check the fitting room.
(Leaves and returns)
Assistant:
The paint’s not dry yet?
Customer:
Paint?
Assistant:
Strawberry and banana with a hint of vanilla.
Customer:
You said it was being cleaned.
Assistant:
Did I?
Customer:
Yes
Assistant:
I must have misheard you. Would you like to check out our range of ties while
we’re waiting.
Customer:
Yes, I will. I need some more ties. And please let me browse by myself. I can
see the rack from here.
Assistant:
I’ll wait here.
(Customer quickly chooses two ties)
Customer:
I’ll take these two.
Assistant:
Do you want to take them home or eat them here?
Customer:
What on earth are you talking about?
Assistant:
We cater for all customer eccentricities. All their quirks, flavours, savours,
relishes, delicacies, foibles, weaknesses, freaknesses, predilections,
partialities, frailties and decrepitudes.
Customer:
Oh shut up. Just sell me the ties and wrap up the delicacies, relishes, flavours
and savours with them.
Assistant:
Pleased you’re getting the hang of things. Shall I wrap the trousers with the
ties?
Customer:
I need to try them on, remember?
Assistant:
The fitting room’s being re-carpeted.
Customer:
I’ve had enough of this nonsense I’m going to find that fitting room and try
these on even if it’s painted in marshmallow and peanut butter and carpeted with
chocolate mousse.
(He leaves and quickly returns, beaming with delight.)
Customer:
(excited)
There’s a chimpanzee and a litter of kittens in there. And a ...
Assistant:
Vanilla rabbit?
Customer:
Yes. Why didn’t you tell me. I love animals.
Assistant:
We try to keep them hidden. Health and hygiene issues, you see?
Customer:
Do you have any more?
Assistant:
We’re expecting a delivery next week – a guinea pig, turkey, a carrot-flavoured
parrot, a caramel camel, a goose and a moose and a marmite marmot. And for the
aquarium, some buttered goldfish, peppered corydoras, jellybean tetra, chocolate
gourami and some light-weight whitebait.
Customer:
I’d love to see them. I’ll come back next week. Can I please order a pork-pie
hat and a pickled pullover.
(Customer leaves as the assistant scribbles the order down)
Assistant:
Strange man. A bit eccentric.
(Another customer enters)
Assistant:
How can I help sir?
2nd
Customer:
I’d like a spider-back yoga top with gold chain, black lace, a frilly white
collar and matching panties.
Assistant:
What flavour?
2nd
Customer:
Salt and vinegar. And can I please also place an order for three sets of
liquorice shoelaces, a pair of gloves – one hokey, the other pokey, passion
fruit socks and a mushroom umbrella? And can I hire the vanilla rabbit and
chocolate chimp for a week?
Assistant:
At last!!! A normal customer.
(They shake hands heartily)