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Broken Homes
by John Kiley
The Manager of Prefabricated, Portable, Flexible, Modular and Fragmented Homes Ltd deals with a succession of dissatisfied customers.
Scene: Modular Homes Office.
Characters:
Manager at receptionist desk
Customer 1
Customer 2
Customer 3
Customer 4
Customer 5
Customer 6
Manager:
(Hearty smile)
Welcome lady. How can I help?
Customer 1:
I purchased a house through your company last week.
Manager:
Congratulations. I’m sure you’re delighted with it and will spend many happy
years within its cosy walls.
Customer 1:
(Shy and uncertain)
Well, the house is lovely. But there is one problem.
Manager
Surely not. Our homes are top of the range for quality, bottom of the range for
price. What can this small problem with your dream home possibly be?
Customer 1:
It doesn’t have a roof.
Manager:
(Suppressing giggle) Are you sure?
Customer 1:
Yes.
Manager:
Bring it in.
Customer 1:
What?
Manager:
Bring it in. Take it to our Spare Parts department. They’ll fit a brand new roof
while you wait.
Customer 1:
Bring the whole house in?
Manager:
If you want the roof to cover the whole house, yes.
Customer 1:
How do I get it here?
Manager:
Do you have a trailer?
Customer 1:
No.
Manager:
I’ll send Cecil our security man to give you a hand. He’s elderly but very
practical. He has a trailer. Do you have a tow-bar on your car?
Customer 1:
I don’t drive a car.
Manager:
No problem. Cecil’s got a tow-bar on his motorbike. When you get the house here,
Spare Parts are just two doors down – Bay 24.
Customer 1:
Do you expect me and an elderly man to place my three-bedroom house on a
trailer?
Manager:
Yes but you’ll need to do it carefully. He’s got a bad back. (scribbles on a notepad). Just go home and wait for him.
(Customer 1 leaves uncertainly)
Manager:
(Picking up phone)
Cecil? Can you take your trailer to the last house we sold and help bring it in?
(unintelligible jabber heard over the
phone) Don’t argue. Just do it. We need to get it here before it rains.
(Customer 2 had been waiting through part of the conversation)
Manager:
(Hearty smile)
Welcome sir. Thanks for waiting. I believe we’ve had the pleasure of being of
service to you on a previous occasion. How are the windows?
Customer 2:
The new ones fit much better. They’re not falling in any more.
Manager:
(Beaming)
Tremendous. Top of the range service – as usual!!
Customer 2:
But they don’t have any glass.
Manager:
That’s right. We installed our self-cleaning unbreakable shock-proof model in
case they continued to precipitate. Did you specifically request glass?
Customer2:
I asked for new windows. The inclusion of glass can surely be taken for granted.
A window without glass is not a window.
Manager:
(Airily)
Oh, it is. You just called it one. It’s a permanently open window. (Big
smile) But if you’re not satisfied – no problem!! Top quality, bottom
prices, remember? We guarantee satisfaction. Spare Parts have glass in all
sizes, shapes, shades, tints, luminosity, transparency and textures. (points)
Two doors down please - Bay 24.
(Customer 2 leaves disgruntled)
Manager:
Assembly:
(Unintelligible babble)
Manager:
Are those trainees we have assembling our kitset houses being adequately
supervised?
Assembly:
(Unintelligible babble)
Manager:
There have been multiple defects reported. Perhaps the workers all need to go on
a training course.
Assembly:
(Unintelligible babble)
Manager:
You’re right. I forgot. This is their
training course. I guess we need to just accept that mistakes will be made. Is
anybody inspecting the houses before they’re delivered. (Unintelligible
babble) I think we should start doing that. (Unintelligible babble) Yes – I understand your difficulties. Just do
your best. (Hangs up) Fine tradesman.
Very professional.
(Customer 3 arrives)
Manager:
(Hearty smile)
Welcome lady. How can I help?
Customer 3:
I need a house.
Manager:
You’ve come to the right place. Our motto: quality through the roof, prices
below the floor. Designed and built to your specific specifications. Have you
decided the size, colour, shape and geographical orientation?
Customer 3:
I want a really large house – exorbitantly enormous might be a better
description. Fifteen bedrooms, large reception, two lounges, five bathrooms with
sundry additional space for flexible and variable functions.
Manager:
Sounds a bit if a mess – have you got plans?
Customer 3:
Yes – I’m planning to open a brothel.
Manager:
I meant design plans.
Customer 3:
No I don’t. I thought that was your job.
Manager:
I can’t design a brothel. I haven’t been in one for months. We can assemble each
room separately. Do you do jigsaw puzzles?
Customer 3:
Yes.
Manager:
Perfect!! You’ll love fitting all the rooms together. It’ll test your jigging
and sawing skills. Go down three doors to Samples (Bay 19) and you’ll find our
collection of room samples and colour charts. Make your choice from there and
we’ll call you when everything’s ready to collect.
Customer 3:
Many thanks – I can’t wait. (leaves excitedly)
Manager:
Our pleasure.
Manager:
(Picks up phone)
Hello, Assembly? Can you drag all those rooms that wouldn’t fit properly into
last week’s work down to Samples. There’s a customer on her way. (Unintelligible
babble) Yes, and call Rejects – it’s a good chance to get rid of some of
their junk as well. (Unintelligible babble)
Hurry up and just do it.
(Customer 4 arrives)
Manager:
(Beaming)
Welcome sir. You’re visiting Prefabricated, Portable, Flexible, Modular and
Fragmented Homes Ltd so it must be your lucky day. Quality and service floating
down from heaven, prices straight out of
hell. How can we help?
Customer 4:
I need a house for my dog.
Manager:
You mean a dog kennel?
Customer 4:
No. A proper house. He’s a monster.
Manager:
We can do an extra large deluxe kennel with a double door, adjustable roof, soft
lighting and luxurious shag-pile carpet which absorbs shit and decomposes it to
render it odourless.
Customer 4:
I don’t want a shit-proof luxury kennel. I want a house. He has a lot of friends
so he’ll need the extra space.
Manager:
We do have a house we assembled last week which is surplus to requirements. We
miscalculated the wall height and nobody can stand up in it.
Customer 4:
Perfect. I’ll take it.
Manager:
(Points)
Fifth door along: Bay 16 - Rejects and Recyclables.
(Customer 4 leaves)
Manager:
(Picks up phone)
Hello, Rejects. There’s a guy on his way. Perfect chance to get rid of the
four-foot house. (Unintelligible babble)
No, it’s for a dog – not a hobbit. (Unintelligible babble) Just paint “Woof, woof, welcome” on the door.
That’s assuming it has a door. Quick,
before he gets there. (Unintelligible
babble) Just do it!!!
(Customer 5 arrives during the phone conversation and waits)
Customer 5:
Here I am, as requested. I’ve brought the house back so now you can put some
doors in and carry out all the other repairs.
Manager:
There might be a delay. Product rectification seems to have become a fulltime
job. We’re rapidly accumulating a backlog.
Customer 5:
But this is urgent. My wife is inside and can’t get out.
Manager:
How did she get in?
Customer 5:
She climbed a tree and dropped in from there.
Manager:
How did she get through the roof?
Customer 5:
There isn’t one.
Manager:
Can’t she climb out of a window?
Customer 5:
There aren’t any.
Manager:
(Wearily) Reverse it into Bay 28 and
I’ll see what I can do.
(Customer 5 leaves)
Manager:
(Picks up phone)
Hello, Waiting List. There’s a guy on his way. When he arrives with his house
can you throw some food over the wall – enough for a few days. Then put it in
the waiting list queue and paint “Occupied – please knock” on the front door.
Sorry, cancel that. There is no front door. (Unintelligible
babble) When it gets to the front of the queue remember there’s somebody in
there so before you embark on the repairs you’ll need to turn the house upside
down and shake it. Then do the repairs and put the sheila back in. (Unintelligible
babble) JUST DO IT!!!
Manager:
(Still weary)
This would be a dream job if only my staff would show some
initiative.
Customer 6:
(Rushing in breathlessly)
My whole house has collapsed – and there’s a building inspector inside.
Manager:
(Buries head in hands)
Oh, piss off.