Courtroom Confusion
by John Kiley
Scene: Interior of courtroom.
Characters:
Witness
Prosecuting Counsel
Judge
Accused Man in Dock (non-speaking)
Counsel:
Please state your name.
Witness:
Tommy Thompson Thomas.
Counsel:
Is Tommy short for Thomas?
Witness:
No.
Counsel:
So Tommy is your actual first name?
Witness:
No.
Counsel:
What is your actual first name?
Witness:
Thomson
Counsel:
The same as your second name?
Witness:
No – they’re different. One of them has a p. (Giggles)
Counsel:
You mean one of the two Thomsons is spelt with a “p”?
Witness:
Yes.
Counsel:
Which one?
Witness:
I don’t know.
(Counsel scribbles notes)
Counsel:
What is your occupation?
Witness:
I’m a professional idiot.
Counsel:
Meaning?
Witness:
I make money out of being an idiot.
Counsel:
You make people laugh and they pay you money?
Witness:
No .
Counsel:
What then?
Witness:
I behave like an idiot and people pay me to go away.
(Counsel looks at his notes)
Counsel:
We’re here to try a case of aggravated bank robbery. The man in the dock is the
accused. Have you seen him before?
Witness:
No.
Counsel:
(After a pause)
The bank officer he stole the cash from was traumatised by the incident and
cannot recall any details. You were the only other person in the bank to witness
the event. The case rests on your testimony. Do you understand that?
Witness:
No.
Counsel:
You saw the robbery and nobody else did. Please just carefully answer my
questions?
Witness:
What questions?
Counsel:
When you were in the bank last August did you see anything unusual?
Witness:
No.
Counsel:
But (pause) the police interview
records show that you saw a man acting threateningly, wearing a balaclava and
carrying a sawn-off shotgun. Is that not unusual?
Witness:
Not for a bank robber.
Counsel:
Tell me what you saw the man do.
Witness:
He stood at the counter for a long time and I was next in line so I got
impatient and looked over his shoulder to see what the hold-up was. And I saw
the hold-up was a hold-up.
Counsel:
Did you see how much money he stole?
Witness:
I didn’t see him steal any.
Counsel:
But you told the police there were several bundles of $20 notes on the counter
and the next moment they weren’t there.
Witness:
Did I say that?
Counsel:
Yes. So how many bundles were stolen?
Witness:
I didn’t see any stolen money. Once it was stolen it was gorn. Gorn, When things
get stolen, they’re GORN!!
Counsel:
But how much money was on the counter?
Witness:
(Getting frustrated)
I didn’t count the money on the counter cos it wasn’t stolen. After that I
couldn’t count it cos it was GORN!
(Judge intervenes)
Judge:
Mr Thomas, you must understand how important this is. Without your evidence this
man can’t be convicted. A serious crime has been committed and he is the prime
suspect. We need you to swear under oath that you saw him take a large amount of
money from the counter and leave the bank with it in a bag. Did you actually see
him take the money from the counter and put it in a bag?
Witness:
No.
Judge:
Did you see the bank officer put the money back in the drawer?
Witness:
No.
Judge:
Did you see the man leave?
Witness:
Yes
Judge:
Was he carrying a bag?
Witness:
Yes.
Judge:
What did you do after he left?
Witness:
I followed him out the door.
Judge:
What did you see then? How did the man get away?
(No answer).
Judge:
Did he get away on foot?
Witness:
No
Judge:
In a car?
Witness:
No.
Judge:
On a bus?
Witness:
No.
Judge:
On a bike?
Witness:
Motor bike ? Or pedalling bike?
Judge:
Either.
Witness:
No.
Judge:
Then how did he get away?
Witness:
He didn’t get away.
(Short silence).
Judge:
You mean you apprehended him?
Witness:
I don’t apprehend anything. I’m an idiot.
Judge:
What happened between you?
Witness:
There was nobody between us.
Judge:
Did you talk to him?
Witness:
He talked to me first.
Judge:
What did he say?
Witness:
He said I could have half the money if I kept my mouth shut.
Judge:
What did you say?
Witness:
I said I wanted three-quarters.
Judge:
What did he say?
Witness:
Nothing. He ran away.
(Another short silence)
Judge:
We suspect the man in the dock is the man you talked to. Look very closely and
consider whether he is the same height, same build.
Witness:
Same height, same build, different disguise.
Judge:
So it could be the same man?
Witness:
No.
Judge:
No? It must surely be at least a possibility. You didn’t see his face in the
bank.
Witness:
I saw his face outside the bank. He took off his balaclava when he was offering
me the money. I couldn’t hear him while he was wearing it.
Judge:
So all along you’ve known the man here in court is not the man you saw in the
bank and talked to outside the bank with his disguise removed?
Witness:
(starting to giggle)
Yes.
Judge:
Why did you not tell the court this earlier?
Witness:
Because I’m an idiot. (Explodes into
laughter)
Judge :
(wearily)
Case dismissed