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Double Trouble at the Dentist
by John Kiley
A dentist and his receptionist
struggle to handle two clients with the same name.
Scene: Dentist’s Waiting Room.
Characters:
Patient 1
Patient 2
Receptionist
Dentist
Patients 3 and 4 (brief appearance)
(Patients 1 & 2 are sitting waiting while the receptionist clumsily fumbles
through a pile of paper.)
Receptionist
My list of appointments says Mr Barriball Smith is due at 10 am.
Both patients
That’s me.
(They look at each other in astonishment)
Receptionist
Are you both Barriball Smith?
Patient 1
I am.
Patient 2
So am I.
Receptionist
But you look so different.
Patient 1
Are you telling us there has been a double booking?
Receptionist
No – just one booking. For Barriball Smith.
(Patients look at one another again. Receptionist rises from her chair and walks
up to Patient 1)
Receptionist
Please open your mouth.
Patient 1
What on earth for?
Receptionist
I need to check it against our dental records.
(Patient 1 opens his mouth while the receptionist peers inside and then pokes
around with her letter-opener)
Receptionist
I can’t see a thing. It’s dark in there.
Patient 2
Can’t you verify our respective identities through our dates of birth and home
addresses?
Receptionist
Don’t be silly. I’ll just get a torch.
(Gets one from the drawer) That’s better. I can see a filling in that tooth
down near the back on the right, bottom jaw. And there’s something odd about the
tooth above it. Shift you tongue. And there’s a sharp point at the back of the
tooth on the other side next to that big molar thing.
(Puts the torch away.) There you go. (Smiles triumphantly)
Patient 1
(Closing his mouth)
So what has that told you?
Receptionist
Nothing really.
(Dentist appears at surgery door)
Dentist
Mr Barriball Smith please.
(Short silence)
Patient 2
There seems to be a little confusion. Both of us are Barriball Smith. We both
made appointments for 10 am.
Dentist
Two Barriball Smiths! How very peculiar. And you look so different.
Receptionist
That’s what I said.
Dentist
Be quiet. Are you brothers?
Patient 1
No. I didn’t know he existed until just now.
(Dentist scratches his head)
Dentist
I can only see one person before my next patient is due so we have a problem.
(Thoughtful silence)
Receptionist
You could check the top teeth of one and the bottom teeth of the other.
Dentist
Oh shut up. (Fumbles through a filing
cabinet). Here’s one Barriball Smith. Date of birth 4.7.88.
Patient 2
That’s me.
Dentist
So it must be your appointment.
Patient 1
But there will be a file for me too. I’ve been coming here for three years.
(Dentist resumes fumbling)
Dentist
Let me see. Barriball. Here’s a Harry Ball, and a Gary Ball - and a Barry
Garibaldi....Garibaldi! .That one’s out of order.
Receptionist
No, it’s right. It’s Barry Gary Baldie.
Dentist
Nonsense. It’s Barry Garibaldi – it should be under B, not G. I mean G.
Patient 1
(Getting frustrated)
You’re looking in the wrong place. It’s
Smith – not Ball or Baldie or Garibaldi.
Dentist
I’d better check under S. (Pokes around
clumsily) Got it. Smith. (Continues to
search) I wish there weren’t so many Smiths. You really are taking up a lot
of my time. Wait – here’s a Barry Smith, Date of birth 21.4.92.
Patient 1
That’s me. Is the address Marchant Street?
Dentist
Yes. But it’s Barry, not Barriball.
Patient 1
Your records are incorrect. It should be Barriball.
Receptionist
Somebody must have dropped the ball
(Cackles with laughter)
Dentist
Oh, shut up. (Addressing Patient 2)
Since you’re the only Barriball Smith on our files this must be your
appointment. Come in please. I’m running really late now.
(pauses at door and looks at receptionist)
Dropped the ball!!! That’s very good.
(Both laugh) Barriball. Dropped the ball. (She
beams with delight)
(Dentist and Patient 2 enter the surgery. Patient 1 remains seated)
Patient 1
I’m not leaving. My appointment was confirmed. I have a card. He’ll have to see
me next.
Receptionist
It would make it easier for us if you changed your name.
Patient 1
Is there anything I can read while I wait?
Receptionist
I’ve got a poem I’ve written.
Patient 1
I mean something like a magazine.
Receptionist
I haven’t written a magazine. I’ll read you the poem:
A dentist once had a belief
That to look after everyone’s teef...
Patient 1
I’m sure it’s very good. But I’m not quite in the mood for poetry.
Receptionist
In everyone’s mouth, he would look north and south...
Patient 1
Okay - that’s enough.
Receptionist
Wait – this is the best bit:
If decay’s in the way he will give it a spray
And drill it and fill it and shape it until it
Is all fixed and
looking okay.
(smiles brightly)
Patient 1
Yes – very clever. Now shut up and leave me in peace. You must have some other
work to do.
(Patient 1 closes his eyes and rests. Receptionist files her nails.)
(After a pause Patient 1 opens his eyes, gets up and moves to a wall clock –
advancing it 15 minutes. He smiles at the audience “Time lapse device”. He sits
down and closes his eyes again. Receptionist is now combing her hair.)
(Door opens. Patient 2 and Dentist come out.)
Dentist
Are you still here, Mr Ball?
Patient 1
Smith.
Dentist
Sorry. Mr Smith. You’ll have to make another appointment and be sure to make it
in the name of Barry Ball, I mean Barry Smith. Two Barriball Smiths will only
lead to more problems in the future. Either that or change you name.
Receptionist
I suggested that.
Patient 1
I insist on being seen today. Right now. It’s only for a check up. My
appointment was confirmed. I have your card.
(Shows it) And I’m not leaving.
Dentist
(Examining card)
Your name isn’t on it.
Receptionist
We don’t put names on.
Dentist
Don’t we? I really think we should.
Patient 1
Are you going to see me or not?
Dentist
I suppose I’ll have to. Come in please.
(They both enter the surgery. Patient 2 has been waiting at the reception desk.)
Patient 2
Can I settle the account now please?
Receptionist
Do you need a recipe?
Patient 2
You mean a receipt.
Receptionist
That’s what I said.
(The account is settled and Patient 2 leaves)
(Patient 1 emerges from the surgery and sits down in the waiting room.)
Patient 1
He asked me to wait here while he checks my dental records.
Receptionist
Fancy. He hardly ever does that.
(Dentist emerges)
Dentist
I’ve gone through the records of both Mr Smiths and something most peculiar
seems to have happened.
Patient 1
What?
Dentist
It seems that you’ve got his teeth and he’s got yours. I’m sure there’s a simple
explanation but I can’t think of one right now.
Patient 1
Don’t be ridiculous. You’ve got the names confused again.
Dentist
Definitely not. The Smith born in April has five fillings and the one born in
August has only two. Mr Barriball Smith who has just left had five fillings. I
counted them. He should only have two. Explain that.
Patient 1
(Explodes)
This entire place defies explanation. I’m leaving and will not return. Your
professionalism resembles that of a senile orang-utan; your receptionist is
retarded; your filing system has been ravaged by a typhoon and I’m yet to hear a
single intelligent remark uttered within these four shameful, woe-begotten
walls. (He storms out.)
(Thoughtful pause)
Dentist
Let’s look on the bright side. Life will be much simpler with only one Barriball
Smith.
Receptionist
Much simpler.
Dentist
Who is due at 10.30?
Receptionist
(Fumbling through paper)
Mrs Thunderbird Wallace.
(Both giggle at the name)
(Door opens and two women enter)
Dentist
(Suppressing a smile)
Mrs Thunderbird Wallace?
Patients 3 & 4
Yes.
(Patients look at each other in amazement. Dentist and receptionist bury their
heads in despair.)