|
||
  |
Funeral Arrangements
by John Kiley
A customer at a funeral parlour requests a coffin for a missing corpse.
Scene: Funeral Parlour Reception.
Characters:
Female Receptionist
Male customer
Female Supervisor
Receptionist:
(Sympathetic tone)
How can we help you?
Customer:
Do you sell coffins?
Receptionist:
(Somewhat surprised)
Not normally as an individual sale. We do supply them as part of our overall
service.
Customer:
I don’t need my overalls serviced (he’s
wearing overalls and gestures down to them). I need a coffin. Just one.
Receptionist:
(Refers to a notebook)
We could probably put you in touch with a manufacturer but I need more
information. What are your exact circumstances?
Customer:
My exact circumstances are unique.
Receptionist:
Yes? What has happened?
Customer:
I need to bury someone but can’t find him.
Receptionist:
(Still
sympathetic but puzzled) Can you
explain that?
Customer:
No I can’t. It’s an absolute mystery and totally unexplainable. Normally when
people die they remain inert.
Receptionist:
And this person didn’t?
Customer:
Not the slightest bit inert.
Receptionist:
So maybe he’s not dead.
Customer:
He had been. Next minute, he wasn’t there.
Receptionist:
Somebody else in the house must have moved him.
Customer:
There was just me, the corpse and the dog in the house. And the dog wasn’t
hungry.
Receptionist:
This is a serious matter. What you haven’t told me is who this person is, or
was. I mean, was it a family member?
Customer:
No. I’d never seen him before.
Receptionist:
You mean a total stranger was found dead in your house?
Customer:
Yes.
Receptionist:
Did you call the police?
Customer:
No. I called the power company.
Receptionist:
Why on earth would you call the power company?
Customer:
Because the deceased was the meter reader.
Receptionist:
Your meter reader??
Customer:
Yes, and my conditions of service state that in the event of any problems
associated with the reading of my meter I should call the power company. And
this was indeed a serious problem associated with the reading of my meter.
Receptionist:
It’s a matter for the police, not your power company.
Customer:
That’s what the power company said.
Receptionist:
Tell me exactly what happened.
Customer:
He read the meter, lay down on the couch and seemed to stop breathing. I ran
straight into the kitchen to look for my power supply contract and when I
returned to the lounge he had gone. There is always an outside chance that he is
not dead and has just walked away but I am proceeding on the assumption that his
remains remain dead.
Receptionist:
(Long pause)
You’ve got to go to the police. There’s absolutely no way I can help you. (another
pause) When you first came in you said you needed a coffin.
Customer:
That’s right.
Receptionist:
If there’s no body why do you need the coffin?
Customer:
There isn’t no body. There’s some body and I expect to find him when I get home.
Receptionist:
What are you planning to do then?
Customer:
I shall bury him at the first mutually convenient moment.
Receptionist:
You can’t do that. It’s illegal. A doctor has to certify the cause of death and
the police will also have to investigate.
Customer:
It doesn’t say that in my power agreement. He’s missing on my property. He’s my
responsibility. I have room in my garden for another corpse.
Receptionist:
Another?
Customer:
Yes. Last year I buried Albert.
Receptionist:
How did he die?
Customer:
Reading the meter of course. A severe electric shock. But his death was more
orthodox. He remained inert.
Receptionist:
I think I’d better call my supervisor.
Customer:
Absolutely no need. Just sell me the coffin and if I don’t find the body I
promise I’ll return it in good condition. And I’ll expect a refund.
Receptionist:
I’m calling the supervisor.
(Customer sits down grumpily)
Receptionist:
(Picks up phone)
It’s Ellen from reception here. (indecipherable voice) Ellen!! (indecipherable
voice) No, I haven’t just started. I’ve been here eight months. I’ve got a
customer here and - well, I’d better come and explain.
Receptionist:
She’s a bit strange. I’ll go and get her.
(Customer picks up magazine; supervisor
bustles in)
Supervisor:
(Breezily)
So you’ve lost a body. That happened here once. Most unfortunate - our cleaner
put him out with the rubbish. We fired him.
Customer:
Cremated, you mean?
Supervisor:
Fired the cleaner, not the body. Have you checked through your rubbish?
Customer:
No need to. I don’t have a cleaner.
Supervisor:
Do you have a dog?
Customer:
Yes.
Supervisor:
Maybe the dog buried him.
Customer:
He didn’t. I already asked.
Supervisor:
I love dogs – they’re so human. What’s yours called?
Customer:
Eddie.
Supervisor:
Pretty ordinary name – mine’s Cheeseballs. I bring him to work. He helps locate
missing corpses. Regarding your request, we normally don’t sell coffins direct
to living customers but we have a slightly damaged one you can have for half
price. It slid out of the hearse when we stopped on a hill. The whole funeral
procession had to reverse back for a replacement.
Customer:
How much?
Supervisor:
All the way back to here.
Customer:
No, I mean how much for the coffin?
Supervisor:
I’ve got no idea – my receptionist handles the finances. I’ll call her back. (Bellows)
Ellen!!! Get back here.
Receptionist:
(Returning)
Yes.
Supervisor:
This man likes dogs too. He’s got one called Whirlpool.
Customer:
Eddie.
Receptionist:
Charming name.
Supervisor:
That’s what I said. How much does a coffin cost?
Receptionist:
We have a wide range, all different prices.
Supervisor:
How much is the one that fell out of the hearse worth?
Receptionist:
Bugger all – it’s damaged.
Supervisor:
(Low voice)
What was it worth originally?
Receptionist:
Nine hundred dollars.
Supervisor:
(Punches calculator)
You can have it for half price: $45.
Receptionist:
You mean $450!!! You left out a zero.
Supervisor:
A zero is nothing. And he likes dogs.(To
customer) I can take cash. (To
receptionist) Fetch the coffin please?
Customer:
(Produces $45)
There you go.
Receptionist:
(Returning)
The coffin’s disappeared.
Supervisor:
It’s on a trolley by the wheelie bin. They were going to break it up.
Receptionist:
It’s not there – that’s where I looked.
Supervisor:
Ask the cleaner.
Receptionist:
We fired him, remember?
Supervisor:
Well ask Cheeseballs.
Customer:
(Triumphantly)
Forget Cheeseballs, coffins and cremated cleaners. This solves everything.
Supervisor:
What do you mean?
Customer:
Can’t you see? Missing corpse; missing coffin - perfect match!! Problem solved.
Supervisor:
My goodness, you’re right. Everything has evened out to a point of perfect
equilibrium. In sporting parlance, nil-all. (Smiles
and hands back the money) It’s been a pleasure doing business with you.
Customer:
You too. (Leaves)
Supervisor:
Another satisfied customer.
Receptionist:
(Wearily)
What do you mean - another??