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I'm Not a Farmer
by John Kiley
A television interviewer thinks he's interviewing a farmer and takes a while to realise he's not.
Scene: Television Studio
Characters:
Interviewer
Rocky
I
Interviewer:
(Addressing camera)
New Zealand is internationally famous for its agricultural products, be they
dairy, cattle, beef, wool. lamb, mutton, deer, venison, grapes, apples,
kiwifruit, timber, logs, fish, aluminium, mutton, shellfish, apples (did I say
apples?), onions, cherries, flowers, bees, honey, oysters, salmon, cheese,
butter, skim milk, casein ... I could go on. The one common factor in every
sector mentioned above and the many not mentioned due to lack of time, is the
humble farmer. So to bring our multi-million dollar industry down to a personal
level I have with me a typical New Zealand farmer. I’d like to welcome to the
programme Mr Roccoccoco Rockford – known throughout the farming community as
Rocky. Rocky, good evening.
Rocky:
Good evening.
Interviewer:
It’s great for our audience to see the human face of our most lucrative
industry. Can you start by telling us how long you’ve been farming?
Rocky:
I’m not a farmer.
Interviewer:
I’m sorry?
Rocky:
I’m not a farmer.
Interviewer:
(Hesitation)
You mean, you’ve recently moved out of farming.
Rocky:
I’ve never been a farmer.
Interviewer:
(Puzzled pause)
So you must be in a related business, like a stock agent, or a vet, or a
shearer, or a dairy factory worker, or a tanker driver, or an auctioneer, or
a.....
Rocky:
I’m a fireman.
Interviewer:
A fireman. (Further pause for thought) Ah – so you put out fires on farms.
Rocky:
I help put fires out everywhere.
Interviewer:
That’s a lot of farms.
Rocky:
Can you please get farms out of your head. I am not a farmer, I have never been
a farmer, I live in the city and my fire-fighting duties take place almost
exclusively within the city.
Interviewer:
Is there a farm attached to the fire station?
Rocky:
There is no farm in my life!!!
Interviewer:
Do you own any animals?
Rocky:
My wife and I have two cats.
Interviewer:
Aha. Now we’re getting somewhere. You farm cats.
Rocky:
(Frustrated)
If it’s going to make you feel any better - yes. We farm cats. All two of them.
We maintain them, we feed them.....
Interviewer:
Do you shear them?
Rocky:
They are pets!
Interviewer:
I had a friend who used to shear his pet sheep, dust it, vacuum it, wash it,
shampoo and dry it and then coat it with after-shave. It smelt great. But it
caught a chill and died. (Thoughtful pause)
I’ve never met a fireman who farmed cats. It’s good when you think about it.
You’ll know exactly what to do if they catch fire. It makes sense.
Rocky:
It’s time this interview started making sense. I thought you were going to ask
me about my work as a fireman.
Interviewer:
(Thinks hard)
Can you tell me a little about your work as a fireman?
Rocky:
It’s extremely interesting and challenging. There’s a certain amount of routine
maintenance and many jobs are quite minor but the big jobs are the real
challenge and make it all worthwhile. In a recent house fire we had to ......
Interviewer:
There’s something I’ve always wanted to know. What happens if a fireman catches
fire?
Rocky:
(Thrown
a little off-balance by the interruption)
That’s extremely unlikely. Fire-fighters are well protected.
Interviewer:
Life insurance, you mean?
Rocky:
(Wearily)
They wear fire-proof protective clothing.
Interviewer:
What a splendid idea. The whole community should do that. After all, everybody
is vulnerable to some extent, especially if their house is on fire.
Rocky:
It’s our task to protect them in the event of a fire. We have strict priorities.
We protect human life first. Then we deal with property.
Interviewer:
And animals last?
Rocky:
Not at all – all life come before property.
Interviewer:
(After careful thought)
But that doesn’t quite make sense from a financial perspective. A house costs
more than a cat.
Rocky:
There’s more than monetary value to a cat, or any other animal – let alone a
human life.
Interviewer:
(More thought)
So to recap, you extinguish the people first, then the cat and any other pets
except the fireproof ones like goldfish, and finally the house?
Rocky:
Removing people and animals from a burning structure is our top priority. When
that’s done we attend to the fire itself. But remember there is a whole team of
fire-fighters on location at a serious fire such as a residential house. A
rescue team searches the property while others attack the flames.
Interviewer:
So in actual fact, the people, animals and the fire are all being dealt with at
the same time – not in sequence as you just told me a moment ago?
Rocky:
In a major event that’s true.
Interviewer:
Meaning what you said about extinguishing people first, animals second and
houses last was actually not true?
Rocky:
It’s absolutely true. That’s our strict order of priority.
Interviewer:
I’m totally confused here. Let’s take an example. You’re searching a burning
house and find a cat. Do you abandon it and continue searching for people hoping
it understands your priorities?
Rocky:
Not at all. If we find any living creature we would rescue it there and then.
Remember every room in an average house can be checked in less than 60 seconds.
Interviewer:
Not if you keep finding animals. Are you sure you’re not a farmer?
Rocky:
I’m not a farmer. It’s rare to find any living creature in a burning house. In
nearly all cases any occupants will have evacuated before we arrive and removed
all pets. Our task is then to extinguish the blaze and prevent it from
spreading.
Interviewer:
But if the occupants have evaporated all the high priority work is done before
you get there.
Rocky:
Evacuated.
Interviewer:
What?
Rocky:
They probably will have evacuated
before we get there. You said evaporated.
Interviewer:
No I didn’t. I said the people on fire will have done all your high priority
work leaving you the easy bit.
Rocky:
Checking for trapped people and containing and extinguishing a large fire is
pretty high priority and anything but easy. A colleague once had to remove three
people overcome by smoke as well as two dogs.
Interviewer:
Three people and two dogs. That’s quite an armful. Did they all die?
Rocky:
None of them did. He received a bravery award.
Interviewer:
How peculiar. People don’t usually receive awards for doing their regular job. I
never have. (Smiles) Well, thank you
Rocky. You’ve given us quite an insight. I admire your integrity. You should
definitely have been a farmer.
Rocky:
No way! I wouldn’t want to be anything else.
Interviewer:
(Puzzled)
But you are something else. You’re a fireman.
Rocky: