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A disgruntled diner and his
cheerful waiter engage in a rhymed dialogue. |
I'm Not a Grump but I'm Leaving This Dump
by John Kiley
A disgruntled diner and his
cheerful waiter engage in a rhymed dialogue.
Scene: Restaurant.
Characters:
Diner
Waiter
Diner
I ordered a meal with a dash of mint sauce.
Waiter
The bottle is empty -
(whispers, aside) he said with
remorse.
Diner
Do you have any chutney – I’ll have that instead.
Waiter
There’ll be a delay cos it’s locked in the shed.
Diner
I don’t mind waiting, as long as it comes
I’ll eat the bread roll and then nibble the crumbs
Waiter
No, don’t eat the crumbs – leave them all on the dish
We collect them and use them for crumbing the fish
Diner
I have a complaint which I nearly forgot
The tea is too strong – it got stuck in the pot
Waiter
It happens sometimes if we make it too soon
The last person just scooped it out with a spoon
Diner
I don’t think I’ll bother – please take it away
Waiter
Certainly sir – and you won’t have to pay.
Diner
This is all taking time – can you unlock the shed?
And get me my chutney before I drop dead.
Waiter
It shouldn’t take long - I’ll just look for the key
The cook had it last and he’s gone for a pee
(starts bouncing to the rhythm)
When he gets back then he’ll give it to me
So stay at the table and back I will be.
(merrily, under his breath as he dances away)
With the chut-nee!
Fiddle-dee-dee!
Diner
(to himself)
That guy is a nut – I’m not staying long.
The meat’s getting cold and I think it’s cooked wrong.
When he gets back if he’s still acting cheerful
I’ll tell him the truth and give him an earful
Look at that cabbage, the gravy, the swede
And the greenish brown stuff that looks more like a weed
The whole meal looks like it’s been dropped on the floor
I was hungry before but I’m not any more
Waiter
(returning)
Everything’s ready - come on and tuck in
The chutney was just over there in the bin
Now you can finally get yourself fed
I wasted my time looking out in the shed
The cook recommends that you try the cheese sauce
With radish that’s made from the arse of a horse
Diner
Just shut up and listen – I think I feel ill
I’ve touched nothing so won’t be paying the bill
It’s my fault I came here I have to confess
But look at the meal – you can see it’s a mess
The hamburger bun’s been left out in the sun
The rissoles look like they’ve been fired from a gun
(speeding up)
The frankfurter sausage is long past its best
And the watercress salad is not even dressed
The cabbage is soggy, the gravy is boggy,
The swede is all slimy, the dishes are grimy
The beans are all has-beens, the pasta’s like plaster
The muffin’s worth nothin’, the lamb’s a disaster
The curry is slurry; the mushrooms are mushy
The salami is barmy and the pig trotters slushy
It’s an insult, affront, an offence and plain rude
Serving it up and pretending it’s food
(pauses for breath and calms a little)
This cafeteria (panting) is worse than
inferior
It is woeful, depressing, gloomy, appalling
(almost weeping) Pathetic and pitiful; shameful and galling
Atrocious and hopeless; chronic and miserable
Tragic, deplorable, rotten, abysmable!!
Waiter
I’m getting the feeling you wish to complain
Put it in writing and sign with your name
When our improvements are all but complete
You’re next meal will surely be one you can eat
We’ll throw out the junk, the cook won’t be so drunk
We’ll rinse out the pans and open new cans
We’ll polish the cutlery, ever so subtlely
We know that the crockery’s a bit of a mockery
But you’ll be our prize client – an illustrious diner
An consummate consumer – there’ll be
no-one finer
Diner
Cut out the bullshit – I’m leaving this dump
(as he walks away) I’m a respectable person - never a grump
Waiter
(watching him leave)
He’ll never know how much he got lucky
Our previous client, a man from Kentucky
Ate his whole meal without a complaint
Then left looking shaky and wobbly and faint
He took the wrong door – all disorientated
Went down to the cellar where he perambulated
Until he was felled by his wild spinning head
We buried him there cos by then he was dead.
(laughs helplessly, trips over tables as he stumbles towards the kitchen)