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An employer conducts an interview with a perplexing job
applicant. |
An employer conducts an interview with a perplexing job
applicant.
The Job Interview
by John Kiley
Characters:
Interviewer
Applicant
Interviewer
If you want to apply for a job with this company I need to get some details of
your previous employment. How long were you in your last position?
Applicant
Two years.
Interviewer
And what were you doing?
Applicant
Two years.
I’m sorry?
Applicant
I was doing two years.
Interviewer
You mean you were serving a prison term?
Applicant
Yes.
Interviewer
What for?
Applicant
Two years.
Interviewer
I mean, what was your offence?
Applicant
None. I behaved myself the whole time. They let me out early.
Interviewer
I need to know what you did to get yourself sent to prison in the first place.
What did they send you to prison for?
Applicant
Two years.
Interviewer
Let’s start again. People go to prison as a punishment and to get rehabilitated.
To go there they need to commit an offence. To break the law. What was the
charge?
Applicant
Nothing. No charge. Everything was free. Meals, clothes, everything.
(Pause)
Applicant
You’re not getting very far with this, are you?
Interviewer
Well you don’t seem to be helping much. I need to find out why you were sent to
prison and you’re not telling me.
Applicant
Perhaps I can help a bit more if I tell you what you’re doing wrong.
Interviewer
What do you mean?
Applicant
You’re asking the wrong questions. You need to find out whether I am suitable
for the job. You need to ask whether I have the right skills, the right
personality, the right attitude. Whether I have ambition, talent, perseverance,
patience, people skills, empathy with customers, a sense of fair play and can
work as a great team player.
(Pause)
Applicant
Shall we start the interview again and I’ll suggest the questions?
Interviewer
That sounds a bit unorthodox.
Applicant
Well, the orthodox isn’t working. Ask me how badly I want the job.
Interviewer
How badly do you want the job?
Applicant
Passionately, fervently, desperately – as if my life depends on it. Now ask how
well I think I can do it.
Interviewer
How well do you think you can do it?
Applicant
Better than that joker I saw doing it on my way in. Now ask why I think I am the
best applicant.
Interviewer
Why do you think you’re the best applicant?
Applicant
Because I am ambitious, talented, patient, empathetic and can work well with
other people. Now give me the job.
Interviewer
I think it’s time I took back the initiative. Do you have any references from
previous employers?
Applicant
No, because I’m previously unemployed.
Interviewer
Never had a paid job?
Applicant
Never. But I want to change that. I learned some good skills in prison.
Interviewer
I’m very reluctant to employ you without at least knowing why you were sent to
prison.
Applicant
And I’m very reluctant to work here
without at least knowing what kind of outfit this is.
Interviewer
You mean you don’t know?
Applicant
I’ve got no idea.
Interviewer
We are stationery wholesalers, supplying the retail industry over a wide area.
Applicant
What is the name of the company?
Interviewer
Associated Paper Ltd.
Applicant
Associated with what?
Interviewer
Nothing in particular – it’s always been called that.
Applicant
It’s a ridiculous name. I’ll be changing it. How long have you been in the
stationery trade?
Interviewer
About 30 years.
Applicant
Previous employment?
Interviewer
None. This is a family business. I came here straight from school.
Applicant
What were your school qualifications?
(Pause)
Interviewer
This might be a good time to remind you that I’m conducting this interview.
Applicant
I’m sorry. I thought you’d finished. What else do you want to ask me?
Interviewer
My business head says I should decline your application. My heart says I should
give you a chance to prove yourself.
Applicant
(Tosses a coin).
Heads, head; tails, heart. It’s heart!! When do I start?
Interviewer
Considering your persistence, extreme shrewdness and sheer cheek, I’ll give you
a three month trial.
Applicant
You are a true gentleman.
Interviewer
Regarding wages and working hours, I’ll draw up an employment contract for you
to sign.
Applicant
Do I have to agree with the wages and working hours or can I change them?
Interviewer
You’re not obliged to sign the contract but if you don’t, you won’t get the job.
Applicant
That sounds a bit one-sided.
Interviewer
It’s normal practice.
Applicant
Might I make a suggestion?
Interviewer
What?
Applicant
We don’t bother with a contract. I work as hard as I can for as long as I can
and you decide each week how much I deserve. (Pause)
And then I decide whether I agree with you.
Interviewer
That would be far too loose an arrangement – it wouldn’t work.
Applicant
Yes it would. Think of the incentive that would give me to work hard. Did you
sign a contract 30 years ago?
Interviewer
No. I own the company.
Applicant
So the harder the staff work, the more money you get?
Interviewer
I work hard too – and some weeks don’t draw any wages at all.
Applicant
So your hours and wages are flexible?
Interviewer
Yes.
Applicant
But you don’t allow that for your staff?
Interviewer
Correct. I need a secure workforce so I can meet orders and I need a constant
wage bill so I can budget accurately.
Applicant
This all sounds old-fashioned. Here’s what I want you to do.
Issue a statement to all your staff – how
many do you have?
Interviewer
Twenty. Twenty-one counting you.
Applicant
And twenty-two counting you?
Interviewer
Correct.
Applicant
Issue a statement allowing all staff to choose their own working hours. Everyone
gets a set minimum wage and a share of the profit on top of that in proportion
to their hours worked. That would be an incentive for everyone to be more
productive.
(Interviewer looks pensive)
Applicant
And additional bonuses would be paid for any innovative ideas suggested by the
staff, starting with me of course. And every new client a staff member signs up
earns them a bonus. This all needs to be presented to a full staff meeting. Wait
here. I’ll call one.
(He sweeps out of the interview room)
Interviewer
He could be exactly what we need: energetic, creative, bursting with confidence.
(Applicant’s voice can be heard confidently rounding up the staff for the
meeting.)
Applicant
I’m going to be your overall supervisor from now on. There is to be a new wages
system trialled. Gather round and listen carefully......
(fading)
(Interviewer
listens and buries his head in his hands)