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Pursuit
by John Kiley
A police officer and his bumbling inspector debrief after a police chase.
Scene: Police Inspector’s Office.
Characters:
Inspector
Constable
Inspector:
(Hears knock on door)
Come in.
Constable:
(Entering)
You sent for me, Inspector.
Inspector:
(Puzzled)
Did I?
Constable:
Yes.
Why?
Constable:
I’m not certain sir but I submitted a report so maybe you wish to discuss it.
Inspector:
(Fumbles through papers on his desk)
Is it this one - a complaint about excessive noise at our recent police
function?
Constable:
Not that sir. That was lodged by the local council. Mine was the one about a
police pursuit which resulted in an unfortunate accident.
Inspector:
Are you sure you submitted a report?
Constable:
I put it on your desk.
Inspector:
(Shuffling papers and squinting at them)
I need my glasses. Can you see them? I keep losing them.
Constable:
There are three pairs on the table over there.
Inspector:
(Picks up one pair; tries them on and changes to another)
Inspector:
Until I get my reading glasses on I can’t see which is my reading glasses. (Shuffles the glasses on and off)
Inspector:
(Now happily bespectacled)
There we go, finally. (Searches for the
report) What colour paper was your report on?
Constable:
White, sir.
Inspector:
(Rummaging about)
That was a mistake. Pink is the only colour I can ever find. Remind me to issue
a pink paper mandate. My secretary calls my desk the black hole. Can you help me
to find it? You look on the floor. You’ll have more chance of recognising your
own handwriting.
Constable:
(Searching through papers littering the
floor)
It was typed sir.
Inspector:
Typed on white paper!! No wonder I can’t find it. (Dusting
off his hands) Never mind. I’ll sweep them up later. You said it concerned a
recent police pursuit?
Constable:
Yes.
Inspector:
Our guidelines are very specific. Were you pursuing the suspect at a speed which
could be deemed excessive?
Constable:
I was on foot sir.
Inspector:
Were
you walking or running at a speed which could be deemed excessive?.
Constable:
I was running as fast as I could sir.
Inspector:
That may well be deemed excessive in law. If I was you I would seek a legal
opinion from the crown solicitor.
Constable:
If I were you. Not was.
Inspector:
What?
Constable:
You’ve moved into subjunctive mood.
Inspector:
(Perplexed)
Moved where?
Constable:
You began your sentence with “If”. That implies a future or conditional event
meaning the subjunctive mood prevails and a plural verb is required even though
the subject noun is singular.
Inspector:
(Blank look)
Constable:
It’s one of the idiosyncrasies of the language.
Inspector:
Can you skip the idiocities and just speak plain English.
Constable:
Grammar’s fascinating sir. There are actually five moods: indicative,
imperative, infinitive, interrogative and subjunctive.
Inspector:
(Unimpressed)
You left out grumpy.
Constable:
(Not smiling)
Very funny sir.
Inspector:
Tell me more about this ridiculous chase. I presume the alleged offender was
also on foot.
Constable:
No sir.
Inspector:
You mean you were sprinting after a motor vehicle! How undignified.
Constable:
The suspect was not in a motor vehicle. He had stolen a skateboard.
Inspector:
So how was he fleeing?
Constable:
On a skateboard sir.
Inspector:
So there were two skateboards?
Constable:
The skateboard he stole and the skateboard on which he attempted to escape were
the same skateboard.
Inspector:
Remarkable coincidence. Would you like a gingernut?
Constable:
No thank you. The misfortune is that the suspect kept looking over his shoulder
to check my whereabouts and failed to see two children on the footpath ahead of
him. He hit one of them causing moderate bruising.
Inspector:
To himself?
Constable:
To the child sir.
Inspector:
(Scratches head)
Injury to an innocent party as a result of a police chase. We need to think this
through and plan our response carefully. As you well know it’s normal police
practice to do whatever is required to avoid responsibility. (Refers
to manual) The second of our guidelines requires you to advise police
communications of your intention to initiate a pursuit. Did you do that?
Constable:
No sir. I would have lost him.
Inspector:
And to advise Comms when the pursuit has been abandoned along with a report on
the final outcome. Did you do that?
Constable:
No sir.
Inspector:
I take it that you at least apprehended the offender at the scene and recovered
the stolen property.
Constable:
No sir – I saw it as my duty to ascertain the condition of the child.
Inspector:
So the offender escaped!!?? Your priorities are highly questionable. You do
realise that this could go all the way to the ICPA, IAPC – what’s it called?
Constable:
The IPCA. Independent Police Conduct Authority.
Inspector:
And if it does you could be in serious trouble. Failing to apprehend, failing to
recover stolen property, unauthorised pursuit causing injury and running at
excessive speed. It’s a text-book case on how
not to conduct a pursuit. Cup of tea?
Constable:
No thank you. What damage control do you recommend?
Inspector:
We need to fudge things and blind the investigators with complicated language
leaving them confused but still convinced you were in the right – or should I
say you was in the right?
Constable:
Grammatically that depends on the mood sir.
Inspector:
Mine’s pretty shitty right now. But you’re the expert with words – how can we
make it sound like everything was done by the book?
Constable:
No idea sir.
Inspector:
(Pauses for thought; then in an exulted
tone:)
The skateboard wasn’t stolen!!
Constable:
What?
Inspector:
There's no need to report that the skateboard was stolen. We'll say you were
running to check on the child.
Constable:
I was running before the child was hit.
Inspector:
But you could have been running in anticipation; in that mood you talked about.
What was the term denoting a future or conditional event? Sub something.
Subversive?
Constable:
Subjunctive.
Inspector:
You could have been running subjunctively!!!
Constable:
(Sits open-mouthed with astonishment)
Inspector:
(Scribbles on pink paper. His grin widens
as he writes and eventually turns into a triumphant chuckle)
How does this sound? “In a subjunctive mood my officer followed the reckless
skateboarder anticipating a mishap. When a mishap indeed occurred he was right
on the spot and dealt with it in a professional and exemplary manner. His mood
had by now changed from subjunctive to interrogative.”
Constable:
Nobody will have a clue what you’re talking about.
Inspector:
Exactly!!! (Wallows in self-congratulation)
Constable:
I think I’ll have that cup of tea.
Inspector:
And the gingernut?
Constable:
Definitely.