Thank You, Prime Minister by John Kiley

The Prime Minister is questioned on the issues of the day, making sense only to himself.

Scene: Television Studio

Characters:

Prime Minister

Interviewer

Interviewer:

Thank you Prime Minister for agreeing to this interview.

PM:

You’re welcome.

Interviewer:

I want to start with the recent publicity over an apparent division within your cabinet and caucus. Your finance minister hinted that large income tax increases across the board could be expected in the upcoming budget. On the other hand her associate minister strongly denies such suggestions. We’ve talked to several of your cabinet and caucus colleagues and there appears to be bitter internal debate on this issue. What is your position?

PM:

My position is that caucus is united on this and all other matters and any talk of division is mischievous rumour spread by our political opponents.

Interviewer:

There is no division within your party over tax increases?

PM:

None whatever.

Interviewer:

Thank you for clearing that up but it......

PM:

You’re welcome.

Interviewer:

.....but it still leaves unanswered the question of whether or not there will be tax increases.

PM:

(After hesitation) Are you asking me to answer the unasked question?

Interviewer:

The unanswered question.

PM:

(Pause) What was it?

Interviewer:

Whether or not there will be tax increases.

PM:

We haven’t finished debating it yet.

Interviewer:

So there is division over it?

PM:

Division, no. Debate, yes.

Interviewer:

The distinction is rather subtle.

PM:

Very subtle.

Interviewer:

Turning to international matters......

PM:

Extraordinarily subtle.

Interviewer:

Yes. Turning to international matters New Zealand was recently embarrassed at the United Nations when our representative declared support for an organisation which later turned out to be a funding body for a known terrorist group. How could this possibly have happened and what is being done by way of damage control?

PM:

There are two questions there.

Interviewer:

They can be answered as one. Any explanation of the cause of the error would go some way towards limiting the damage.

PM:

I shall answer them as two. Two, there is no need for any damage control strategy as there is no damage. And one, it happened because the organisation in question claimed to be a bonny fiddy humanitarian support group and we had no reason to doubt their sincerity.

Interviewer:

I find that a little unconvincing but thank you anyway.

PM:

You’re welcome.

Interviewer:

Now, regarding the incident after which the deputy Prime Minister was charged with dangerous driving causing death and is awaiting trial – are you planning to ask him to stand down pending the outcome of proceedings?

PM:

I will be asking him to. Whether he does or not is entirely up to him.

Interviewer:

But surely it is your decision, or the caucus as a whole?

PM:

The minister has promised he will review his options, present his side of the story to a full caucus meeting and then report to me again. I will then exercise my right to make a final decision regarding his future. Remember he has pleaded not guilty.

Interviewer:

According to media reports he was seen driving erratically and at one point was reversing on the wrong side of the road. The accident occurred when he reversed at 30k through a red light and hit a pedestrian. The case against him appears compelling.

PM:

Well I’m not compelled. He needs to be heard on the matter.

Interviewer:

The event occurred several weeks ago. You sit next to each other in the house and at caucus meetings. Have you not spoken to him about it?

PM:

We don’t speak much. I don’t think he likes me. I don’t really want to talk about this incident. It’s before the courts, it’s slightly embarrassing for the government and it’s stopping me from sleeping, especially at night.

Interviewer:

I do have just one more question relating to it. If he’s found guilty will you be relieving him of his duties as associate transport minister with specific responsibility for road safety?

PM:

If he’s found guilty and sentenced to a prison term, most definitely.

Interviewer:

Thank you.

PM:

You’re welcome.

Interviewer:

Finally I want to touch just briefly on the election scheduled for later in the year. The budget about to be presented is the last before that election so no doubt there will be some vote-catching goodies on offer. What can you..........

PM:

If you mean election bribes, there will be no such thing.

Interviewer:

Well thank you for that reassurance but I’m ......

PM:

You’re welcome.

Interviewer:

...but I’m keen to hear what your election strategy is likely to be, remembering that the last budget hit everybody in the pocket so hard and was received with such venom that all commentators were predicting your party would be tossed unceremoniously out of office at the first opportunity.

PM:

You said you would only touch briefly on this subject.

Interviewer:

I’m asking for an indication of your election strategy.

PM:

We will be promising that things will get better.

Interviewer:

Things have been getting steadily worse since you assumed power. If you promise they will get better nobody is going to believe you.

PM:

(After a pause) Is that a question?

Interviewer:

It’s an invitation for you to be more specific regarding your election campaign strategy. (pause) You have to face it Prime Minister, voters know that your deputy is facing a jail term, your UN ambassador is an international laughing stock, and you are perceived to be at loggerheads with your finance minister. Opinion polls put your party below the margin of error. Do you seriously see any chance whatever of being re-elected?

PM:

(Sighs wearily) You just don’t understand politics do you.

Interviewer:

What do you mean?

PM:

(Another deep sigh) Our political system has a proud history going back to the British Reformation in 1832 and has stood the....

Interviewer:

Reform Bill.

PM:

... and has stood the test of time since then and do you know why? Because it is controlled by the people. They decide what they want and what they don’t want. They put parties in and out of office. But it goes much further. They also decide policy. If the people want major changes to the health or education system, governments implement those changes. If they want less money spent on the military, less money is spent on the military. Roading policy? Don’t ask the minister of transport. Ask the motorist. As for financial matters which you seem to be so obsessed with, no voter would ever suggest that income tax be abolished – they know that without it government services would collapse. They wouldn’t even call for tax reductions. But their voices are heard loud and clear when the question arises over how tax money should be apportioned – and we listen. Politicians understand this. As long as people feel they wield the power they will fall over backwards to please the entity that gave them that power. We, and by we I mean western governments, could retain the power for ourselves but we give it away to the people. They recognise that and are forever grateful. That’s why nobody has any reason to dislike or distrust a democratic government, ever!!

(Long pause. Interviewer is open mouthed in astonishment)

Interviewer:

What you’ve just said is utter rubbish.

PM:

 (Leans forward earnestly) But the people believe it. (Nods firmly and sits back smugly)

Interviewer:

Thank you Prime Minister.

PM:

You’re welcome.

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